I can text with my tongue
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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