I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
