As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
