I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
