So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
