i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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