Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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