i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't put those talents on a resume
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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