There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
