I like to think it a success when the cops are called
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
