I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
