maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize