I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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