Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
