You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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