This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize