saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
