I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
