Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
