dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
