How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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