Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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