Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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