Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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