there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
