If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
