I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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