There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
