Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
