Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
