Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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