He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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