It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
