she was so not down for the gang bang
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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