a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
