I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
