I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
