please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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