I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
