There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
