that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
