Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
