I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
