I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize