i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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