Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize