I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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