Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize