Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
