I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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