New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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