i wish my penis had a tongue
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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