If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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