I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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