my vag is so smooth its legendary
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
