I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
