me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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