dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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