I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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