I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
