I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
